1 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,140 Thank you. Thank you very much. 2 00:00:50,660 --> 00:00:51,660 Wonderful taste. 3 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,420 I bet you're wondering what this is, aren't you? 4 00:00:56,980 --> 00:00:57,980 So am I. 5 00:00:59,340 --> 00:01:01,240 I was in Scarborough last summer. 6 00:01:01,540 --> 00:01:02,600 Anybody been to Scarborough? 7 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:04,680 Nice place, isn't it? 8 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:08,140 And I got there, you see, and I went to this big boarding house, because I was 9 00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:09,860 trying to get in the hotel, but it was packed out, you know. 10 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:12,480 So, it was packed. I couldn't get in. 11 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,820 So, I went to this boarding house, and I knocked on the door, and the landlady 12 00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:17,280 put her head out of the window. She said, what do you want? 13 00:01:17,740 --> 00:01:18,740 I said, I want to stay here. 14 00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:20,200 She said, you want to stay there? Shut the window. 15 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:35,540 And while I was up there, it was a lovely summer. It was very nice. 16 00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:37,060 And a lovely season up there. 17 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:42,240 And I went out. I bought one of those, what do they call them? Skin diving 18 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:43,760 outfits. You know the thing. 19 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:47,000 Flippers and everything. Big tank on the back. You know the thing. 20 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,740 And you can dive under the water. You know what I mean? You can go right down. 21 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,280 So I went to the bay. I went to the bay, see? 22 00:01:53,620 --> 00:01:54,620 All on my own. 23 00:01:55,120 --> 00:02:01,400 And I went down, and I dived in, and I went right down to about 100 feet. 24 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:03,580 And it was lovely. 25 00:02:04,620 --> 00:02:05,579 Really lovely. 26 00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:07,020 And I'm going along like that, see? 27 00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:09,860 Like that. 28 00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:11,880 I've got the instructions here. 29 00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:17,300 Like that, see? 30 00:02:17,450 --> 00:02:18,730 Then I changed over. I went like that. 31 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:19,930 See? 32 00:02:20,990 --> 00:02:22,270 Then I got rid of it. I went like that. 33 00:02:23,030 --> 00:02:24,070 I was doing that. 34 00:02:24,630 --> 00:02:25,630 Slow like that. 35 00:02:27,310 --> 00:02:28,310 But I could please myself. 36 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,270 Look at that. 37 00:02:33,610 --> 00:02:36,370 And all of a sudden, right in front of me, I looked like that. 38 00:02:36,610 --> 00:02:37,610 See? 39 00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:40,150 And I saw a man walking towards me. 40 00:02:41,830 --> 00:02:42,830 On the bottom. 41 00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:45,230 In a sports jacket, grey flannel, and a flat cap. 42 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:53,940 I said to myself, there was nobody else there, and I said to myself, I said to 43 00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:55,340 myself, this is not right. 44 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,060 See? So I went towards him, like that. 45 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:01,800 See? 46 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:06,100 And I got right up to him, and I said to him, see? 47 00:03:06,740 --> 00:03:08,880 I took this big slate out, you know what I mean? 48 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,140 And I wrote on there, what are you doing down here? 49 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:15,720 Walking about in a sports jacket and grey flannel and a flat cap. 50 00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:19,160 And he took the pad from me and he wrote on there, I'm drowning. 51 00:03:24,620 --> 00:03:25,620 Thank you. 52 00:03:31,060 --> 00:03:32,060 Here's a little trick. 53 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,200 Bag there, look. 54 00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:40,000 You've got a piece of rope, you cut the rope in half with a small pair of 55 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,000 scissors. 56 00:03:42,940 --> 00:03:44,720 I placed one in there. 57 00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:46,580 Two in there, undo. 58 00:03:47,540 --> 00:03:53,940 Like that. And the pieces join together. 59 00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:02,540 And now... Why, 60 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:09,039 why, what? 61 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:13,560 It's Diana Dawes. No, not Dawes. It's Dawes, plural. 62 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,820 Oh, yes, I can see you're actually quite right, yes. 63 00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:21,339 Well, you see, at the moment, you came right in the middle of a joke. Yes, I 64 00:04:21,339 --> 00:04:23,940 know, I was listening, and I recognised your voice. 65 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:28,560 Now, you're the terrible man who's been ringing me up, making dreadful 66 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:29,560 suggestions. 67 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,640 Don't be silly. 68 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:33,840 Me? I don't even know your phone number. 69 00:04:34,580 --> 00:04:36,940 Oh, well, here it is, 2468002. 70 00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:45,060 I've got a very bad throat, I have really. 71 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,240 I lost my voice completely today. 72 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:50,620 And I borrowed this throat tonight from the show. 73 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:53,780 The producer went mad. 74 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,120 He's still at the vet now. 75 00:04:57,780 --> 00:04:59,520 I went to the doctor, he said, hold your breath. 76 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:00,799 I said, all right. 77 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:01,800 Just like that. 78 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,720 And he said to me, look, I'll look at the end of your throat. 79 00:05:09,060 --> 00:05:10,520 He said, open your mouth. I went, like that. 80 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,080 See? 81 00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:14,120 And he looked down and he said, oh yes, a little raw. 82 00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,300 See? So I went, oh. 83 00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:22,120 Oh! Just like that. 84 00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:24,400 He said, look, I'll tell you what I do now. 85 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:29,060 He said, I'll test your ears. He said, because sometimes, when you've got a bad 86 00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:30,780 throat, it can make you slightly deaf. 87 00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:35,560 I said, all right. He said, I'm going to go to the side, over here, in the wall, 88 00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:39,800 see? I'm going to whisper something to you, and if you hear me, repeat it. I 89 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,360 said, right. He said, I'm going to stand here. 90 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:42,920 And you stand over there. 91 00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:44,140 Like that, see. 92 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:45,900 So he went over there like that. 93 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:48,480 And I was over here like that. 94 00:05:50,940 --> 00:05:55,560 And then he went, how now, brown cow. 95 00:05:57,780 --> 00:06:01,140 So I went, how now, brown cow. 96 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:03,120 And he said, pardon? 97 00:06:09,610 --> 00:06:12,950 And he said, do you know something? He said, there's a scientific fact that 98 00:06:12,950 --> 00:06:15,450 people with big mouths got very tiny brains. 99 00:06:17,530 --> 00:06:18,750 See? And I was like that. 100 00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:22,650 And he said, people with very small mouths got very big brains. 101 00:06:23,090 --> 00:06:24,550 I said, oh, is that so? I didn't know that. 102 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:53,800 when I do this particular song, I have a troupe of boy singers and girl dancers 103 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,040 at the back of me, but unfortunately they couldn't be here tonight because 104 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:57,999 they've got the flu. 105 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,780 Luckily, Tommy has consented to do all the parts for me. Thank you, Tommy. Take 106 00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:03,539 it away. 107 00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:04,760 What, mate? I didn't say that. 108 00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:10,240 Do all the four singers and all the girl dancers? The boy singers and the girl 109 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,580 dancers. All right, Bob, 110 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:14,900 hit it. 111 00:07:19,210 --> 00:07:25,910 On a wonderful day like today, I defy any cloud to appear in the sky, any 112 00:07:25,910 --> 00:07:32,750 raindrop to plop in my eye. On a wonderful day like today, on 113 00:07:32,750 --> 00:07:39,410 a wonderful morning like this, when the sun is as bright as a yellow balloon, 114 00:07:39,810 --> 00:07:41,890 even the sparrow... 115 00:07:54,410 --> 00:07:59,990 Let me say furthermore, I'd adore everybody to come and dine. The 116 00:07:59,990 --> 00:08:06,470 mine. I'll pay the bill. May I take this occasion to say that the whole... 117 00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:45,780 the 20th century. 118 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:50,480 We now take a searching look at many different aspects of the law as seen 119 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,020 through the eyes of a great variety of people. 120 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,860 Hey, Bert, that borough boy over there hasn't got a license. 121 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,160 Move him on, will you? 122 00:08:58,900 --> 00:08:59,900 Right. 123 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,240 Oi! Now, you listen to me. 124 00:09:07,940 --> 00:09:09,800 Well, what do you want? 125 00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:12,340 Can I have a banana? 126 00:09:16,010 --> 00:09:17,110 Stand against the wall and don't move. 127 00:09:18,270 --> 00:09:19,590 Stand against the wall and don't move. 128 00:09:20,290 --> 00:09:21,890 Stand against the wall and don't move. 129 00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:25,710 Well, it's cheaper than scaffolding. 130 00:09:26,850 --> 00:09:27,850 Don't you agree? 131 00:09:27,970 --> 00:09:30,710 My lad, I offer a plea of insanity. 132 00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:35,690 Don't be absurd, Mr Cooper. You know perfectly well your client is not 133 00:09:36,350 --> 00:09:37,570 He's not, but I am. 134 00:09:38,310 --> 00:09:39,310 Now, 135 00:09:41,690 --> 00:09:43,210 a search of Simpkins flat. 136 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:49,140 revealed a large number of bottles of stolen liquor, including five bottles of 137 00:09:49,140 --> 00:09:54,080 scotch whiskey, five bottles of brandy, and 11 bottles of wine. 138 00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:56,480 The clerk of the court, have you got all that down? 139 00:09:57,060 --> 00:09:58,120 Everything's in the truck. 140 00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:04,020 What is your name? 141 00:10:12,750 --> 00:10:13,750 No questions. 142 00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:17,050 I just want to hear him say it, that's all. 143 00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:22,710 Now, how would you describe your condition at the time of your arrest? 144 00:10:23,570 --> 00:10:24,570 Drunk as a judge. 145 00:10:27,690 --> 00:10:29,930 You mean as drunk as a lord? 146 00:10:30,750 --> 00:10:31,750 Yes, my lord. 147 00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:40,910 Yes, I understand you've had a break -in, is that right? 148 00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:41,869 That's right. 149 00:10:41,870 --> 00:10:44,210 They came in and ransacked the whole place, they did. Turned the place upside 150 00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:47,910 down. And not only that, they tied my wife up and put that gag in her mouth. 151 00:10:48,150 --> 00:10:50,690 And when did all this take place, sir? 152 00:10:51,090 --> 00:10:52,150 About three months ago. 153 00:10:55,370 --> 00:10:58,710 And now it's interview time. And in our studio this evening, we're very 154 00:10:58,710 --> 00:11:02,570 privileged to have with us one of the truly legendary figures of the American 155 00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:06,250 West. Ladies and gentlemen, Chief Sipping Bull. 156 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,140 Yeah, right, and a war dance. 157 00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:30,580 Good evening, sir. Good evening. 158 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,040 Good evening, chief. 159 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:35,360 That 160 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:44,180 means 161 00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:45,180 good evening? 162 00:11:45,220 --> 00:11:46,220 Yes. 163 00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:50,020 So you can just imagine how expensive the telegrams are. Oh, yes. So that's 164 00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:51,560 I always use smoke signals, you see. Oh, I see. 165 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:52,760 With the pipe. I see. 166 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:56,420 And when you smoke like that, that means words or something, does it? That all 167 00:11:56,420 --> 00:11:58,580 means something. Oh, they're all words coming out. Really? 168 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,700 Oh, I beg your pardon. What's the matter? 169 00:12:01,540 --> 00:12:02,740 I've just puffed a rude word. 170 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,980 So, first of all, tell us about your father. 171 00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:09,200 Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 172 00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:11,660 Hootcha, hootcha, hootcha. 173 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,890 Tell us about your father, sir. He was a very famous Indian brave, wasn't he? 174 00:12:15,910 --> 00:12:18,870 Oh, yes, he was a very amazing man. Was he? He could shoot a deer at 50 yards. 175 00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:19,809 Strong bow? 176 00:12:19,810 --> 00:12:20,810 No, long arms. 177 00:12:21,910 --> 00:12:24,870 The great Indian warrior Geronimo must have been a friend of yours. 178 00:12:25,070 --> 00:12:28,550 I imagine you learned a lot from him. Oh, I certainly did. He taught me how to 179 00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:30,390 imitate wild animals. Did he really? Oh, yes. 180 00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:33,250 I say, would you do some for us now? Certainly. Please. Right. 181 00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:34,470 A wild duck. 182 00:12:35,090 --> 00:12:36,090 Now, another one. 183 00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:41,430 A swallow. A swallow. 184 00:12:45,580 --> 00:12:46,580 Just half. 185 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:51,760 What's that? 186 00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:52,820 It's a man -eating wolf. 187 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:54,920 Now another one. 188 00:12:55,620 --> 00:12:57,120 And what's that? A man -eating lion. 189 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,280 And what's that? 190 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,560 A man -eating soup. 191 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,280 How did you get all those wonderful impressions? I got a lot more, a lot 192 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,420 I got them all from Percy Edwards. You met him? No, I ate him. 193 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:18,260 Tell us about your archenemy, General Custer. Now, was he really the hero that 194 00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:19,260 people would have us believe? 195 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,560 No, no, no. He's a coward. 196 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,700 Was he? We had a nickname for him. What was that? Cowardly, cowardly Custer. 197 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,460 But, of course, you were eventually defeated, weren't you? Why do you think 198 00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:31,680 was? Well, because, don't forget the cavalry, they were lovely big horses, 199 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,140 chestnuts, you know, big things they were. 200 00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:38,300 You should see my old name. I had bony knees, mosquito bites, bloodshot eyes, 201 00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:40,200 messy hair, and that was the wife. 202 00:13:43,819 --> 00:13:44,820 You should have seen the horse. 203 00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:48,960 Of course, you did have a very famous war cry, didn't you? Oh, yeah. It was 204 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,840 that at the sound of it, it was just two words. And at the sound of those two 205 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,380 words, men would drop their arms and battles would stop there and then. 206 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,840 Now, tell us, what were those two words? Let's hear them. 207 00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,080 We surrender! 208 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,640 We surrender! 209 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,600 Look! Surrender, surrender, surrender, surrender. 210 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:09,660 I was admiring your trousers, sir. They're high, aren't they? What? They're 211 00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:12,020 high. What? High, high. The cow's outside. 212 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:13,700 Oh, bring her in, I must say. 213 00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:18,600 You know, you're next to an idiot. 214 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:19,920 Yeah, well, move over a bit. 215 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,140 Please, tell us about your wife. 216 00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:25,340 Well, 217 00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:32,060 I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was looking after the kids. 218 00:14:36,270 --> 00:14:39,750 I went up to her and I said, you are the most beautiful Indian maid. I bet you 219 00:14:39,750 --> 00:14:40,810 said that to all the girls. 220 00:14:41,090 --> 00:14:42,130 Yeah, the fellas didn't want to know. 221 00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:44,730 And how did you court her? 222 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:47,510 Well, an old Indian custom. 223 00:14:47,750 --> 00:14:51,350 Really? Yes, the scorn of the brave was to dive in the water, into the river, 224 00:14:51,470 --> 00:14:56,210 kiss underneath, and then surface. How charming. And then you became engaged? 225 00:14:56,410 --> 00:14:57,410 Yes, to a hennep. 226 00:14:59,510 --> 00:15:02,870 Now tell us, sir, about the Battle of Little Bighorn. This was, of course, one 227 00:15:02,870 --> 00:15:04,810 of the greatest events, really, in the history. 228 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,580 I'm sorry, I have to go. They're calling me for a powwow. 229 00:15:08,180 --> 00:15:09,760 But what about our little chat? 230 00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:13,400 Ah, I've had a little chat. I'm very fond of that. But I'd rather have a 231 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,400 now. 232 00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,100 I'll let them know. 233 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:17,400 Don't! 234 00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:33,450 Welcome to Roundup of the Week, a quick look at some news items you may have 235 00:15:33,450 --> 00:15:35,230 missed in other television news programmes. 236 00:15:35,730 --> 00:15:40,010 On Monday, our hidden cameras caught a sneak thief in action in North London. 237 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:04,240 A few miles away, in a North London back garden, this incident took place. 238 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,520 Now, look here. If you don't stop your dog chewing my roses, I'll call the 239 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,820 police. Oh, go away. If you don't, I'll set my husband on you. 240 00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:14,160 He doesn't frighten me. I'm not afraid of your husband. I punch him right in 241 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,460 nose. I'll tell you that for a start. When I see him... 242 00:16:16,460 --> 00:16:21,500 In 243 00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:27,640 Brighton this week, an alert cameraman recorded this unforgettable moment. 244 00:16:38,090 --> 00:16:42,270 The next day, in a shopping plaza in Wembley, we filmed this strange 245 00:16:43,930 --> 00:16:44,930 Screamers there. 246 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,410 You've got a lucky face. 247 00:16:48,830 --> 00:16:51,770 Last night, a new opera production opened in Bristol. 248 00:16:52,050 --> 00:16:53,530 The demand for tickets was enormous. 249 00:16:56,870 --> 00:16:58,390 I'm very sorry. 250 00:16:58,770 --> 00:17:00,150 No more seats inside. 251 00:17:01,790 --> 00:17:06,450 This morning, our cameraman recorded this priceless piece of film by the side 252 00:17:06,450 --> 00:17:07,450 the Thames. 253 00:17:20,910 --> 00:17:23,170 you over to a counting house somewhere in London. 254 00:21:54,510 --> 00:21:56,550 of comedy about now in the show. 255 00:21:59,230 --> 00:22:00,890 What do you have in mind? 256 00:22:01,130 --> 00:22:05,470 Well, you know, nothing obvious, because really I'm sick to death of some of the 257 00:22:05,470 --> 00:22:09,190 things that comedians do, you know, to try and get laughs. It's just 258 00:22:09,250 --> 00:22:13,890 For instance, I mean, I've seen them do things, I've seen them do things like 259 00:22:13,890 --> 00:22:17,110 this to get a laugh. Now, wait a minute. 260 00:22:21,090 --> 00:22:23,390 I ask you, is that funny? 261 00:22:30,990 --> 00:22:31,990 That's not funny. That's not funny. 262 00:22:32,450 --> 00:22:33,450 That's not funny. 263 00:22:35,350 --> 00:22:36,450 Now, is that funny? 264 00:22:39,570 --> 00:22:41,190 No, that's not funny either. That's not funny. 265 00:22:43,290 --> 00:22:45,530 Is that funny? No, that's not funny. 266 00:22:48,830 --> 00:22:50,030 Is that funny? 267 00:22:50,230 --> 00:22:51,230 No, that's not funny. 268 00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:53,750 It's not funny, is it? It's not funny. 269 00:23:00,910 --> 00:23:01,910 It's funny. 270 00:23:39,180 --> 00:23:40,180 No!